


Did She Know?

by cabbageboy



Series: The Stars in Your Eyes [1]
Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blood and Injury, Car Accidents, Comfort, Depression, F/F, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Gore, Happy Ending, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Love, Panic Attacks, Shadow Weaver | Light Spinner (She-Ra)'s A+ Parenting, True Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-29
Updated: 2020-09-30
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:00:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 21,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26182279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cabbageboy/pseuds/cabbageboy
Summary: What if it wasn’t enough? There was so much more I wanted to say, thought I would have time to say.
Relationships: Adora/Catra (She-Ra)
Series: The Stars in Your Eyes [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2017682
Comments: 55
Kudos: 274
Collections: "I was only trying to protect you!"





	1. Her other half

**Author's Note:**

> First chapter is inspired by windbloom's prompt: "I was only trying to protect you" from the LIMAMIL discord server
> 
> I decided that I wanted to continue

Adora sat wide eyed in the waiting room of the hospital feeling like she could barely breathe. She could still hear the jagged gasps, the sound of Catra choking on her own blood, sirens approaching in the background while she desperately pleaded with her to stay. She could feel the sticky warmth of blood, her girlfriend’s blood sliding against her fingers and palms as she tried in a vain attempt to stop the gushing. She could smell the tire marks on the pavement as a geyser shot out of the hydrant where the car had finally stopped, raining water all over the road surrounding the accident. Adora didn’t think she would ever get the image out of her head of Catra, lying on the ground unmoving and gasping for breath, her mouth open in a silent scream as the shock of being struck set in. 

The car had come out of nowhere. They were out on a date, walking back to their own car when they crossed the road. The sun had begun to set, its final moments before nightfall painting streaks of purple and amber through the sky, bouncing off the few puffy clouds. The streaks of gold casting long fingers through the gaps between buildings, once adding a glow to the street below now the catalyst of the worst day Adora had ever managed to live through. 

That was the driver’s excuse, that he hadn’t seen them crossing the road because of the sun reflecting off of a shop window. He hadn’t had time to slow down by the time he realized he was about to hit someone, instead trying to veer off at the last second in an attempt to miss them. This sent him skidding, tires smoking on the pavement, directly into a fire hydrant on the opposite side of the road. But his attempt had failed, because he hadn’t managed to avoid hitting someone.

Adora had been walking slightly in front of Carta, turning her head back over her shoulder to tease the other woman, when she first heard the screeching of rubber against asphalt. When she made eye contact with Catra all she saw was terror, Catra’s eyes open wide in horror at the realization of what was about to happen. Before Adora could turn her head in the direction of the noise she felt a hand on her wrist and another around her waist. A sharp jerk and her body was being thrown back in the direction she had just come from, Catra pivoting on her heels with as much force as she could muster to yank Adora out of the way of the car and throw her to safety.

Adora landed and before she could look up again she heard it. She heard the thump of the vehicle striking a body, the roll of that body across the sheet metal of the roof, and the smack of that body landing on the ground accompanied by the crack of bones breaking from the impact. There was a scream, though she couldn’t tell if it was Catra, a bystander, or herself.

She leapt to her feet and ran the short distance to where Catra’s body lay broken, unmoving on the ground. She was on her side, coughing and gasping while blood speckled the ground around her mouth. She was clutching at her chest weakly with one hand while the other lay limp at her side.

“Catra! Catra!” Adora choked out, fumbling to move Catra’s hand gently so she could see the stain spreading on her shirt where her hand had been. She was bleeding badly. Adora knew not to move her in the likely event that she had a head or spinal injury, so she awkwardly pulled Catra’s shirt up enough to see where the blood was coming from. She was completely unprepared for the sight of two of Catra’s ribs poking through her skin, blood pulsing around them as it seeped and gushed out and rolled down her skin to drip off. Adora swears she can hear the drip, drip, drip of the blood hitting the ground under her. Adora feels the blood rush from her face, going cold and her vision darkening at the edges, feeling acid burning its way up her throat and trying to fight its way out. The sight before her, the smells, the frigid rain soaking her back, were all making her feel ill. 

A voice shakes her out of her stupor, “A-dora?” the broken voice of her lover, a gravely whisper as another wave of coughing and gagging forces more blood out of her mouth and her hand tries to grip at her chest again.

“Catra baby stay with me ok?” Adora says frantically, “Just hold on baby you’ll be ok.”

“A-dora. I l-love you,” Catra’ voice is softer now, softer and weaker than Adora has ever heard it. 

Adora shivers, not from the chill of her wet clothes that stick to her from the spewing fire hydrant, but from the realization that Catra’s hand is no longer trying to grip at her chest and her head has lolled to the ground. They make eye contact one more time before Catra’s eyes roll to the back of her head.

“Catra! Catra baby just hold on ok? I love you too, so, so much. Please just hold on,” The last few words are choked by a sob, panic seizing her heart.

“Ma’am? Ma’am we need you to step back,” A calm voice attempts to soothe her just as she feels a hand grip her shoulder. She jerks back, jumping away to let the EMTs take care of Catra. One of them leads her to the ambulance to take a look at the cut on her head that she didn’t even realize she had.

“What’s your name honey? What’s her name?” They asked, dabbing gauze on her forehead just above her eye.

“Adora,” she whispers, trying to look over the stranger’s shoulder, but unable to stand from where she sat on the back of the ambulance.

“That's Catra, she’s my- my girlfriend,” Adora stumbles over that last word, suddenly feeling the weight of the ring in her pocket. She was going to take Catra to their favorite spot along the bay, where they had their first picnic, their first kiss. It was where they had first said “I love you” to each other, wrapped in a blanket and stargazing. Adora was going to ask Catra to marry her tonight, but now she wasn’t sure if she would ever see her awake again.

The tears streaming down her face felt hot as her shoulders shook, a violent sob forcing its way out of her throat. The medic didn’t have a chance to say anything before the gurney holding Catra was rushed to the back of the ambulance, loaded in, and everyone was piling in around her. Adora was shuffled in after them and was only able to look on in horrified fascination as they tried desperately to keep her Catra, her whole fucking world, alive.

Everything happened quickly after that. They arrived at the hospital and Catra was wheeled away to the ER as they prepped an OR for her. Adora tried to follow, mechanically willing her feet to move, when a nurse stepped in front of her, telling her that Catra was in good hands and she needed to get her head looked at.

She just nodded and followed. She had no idea how long it was before she was taken to the waiting room. She didn’t say a word as they told her she had a concussion from her head hitting the pavement, or as they gave her the stitches she needed for the cut above her eye. Only when she was ushered to the waiting room and asked if there was someone they could call for her did she finally speak. She gave them Angella’s name and phone number. Angella was the mother of her best friend Glimmer, who she had met in high school. Remembering back she wouldn’t know exactly why she gave them Angella’s name instead of Glimmer’s. Maybe it was because even in her disheveled and shocked state she was sure that Glimmer would receive the news better from her mother than from a stranger on the phone. Or, maybe it was because Angella was secretly the mother she never knew she wanted. She had filled such a hole in her heart with the way she treated her, the way she cared.

“Adora?” she looked up from the floor as Glimmer entered the waiting room, followed by Bow, her boyfriend who she had known since elementary school, Micah, her father, and Angella. She didn’t know what to say, what to do. It wouldn’t matter though, because she couldn’t move or speak. Glimmer sat down next to her, placing a hand on her shoulder while Angella stood in front of her tilting her face up to examine the injury on her head. She didn’t say anything as they made eye contact, seeing in her eyes the same lost and broken child she met all those years ago when her daughter brought her home for a couple of weeks of summer break. Angella smiled softly at her before leaning down and placing a gentle kiss to her forehead. Bow came up to her then, holding out a bag. She was confused until she looked inside and saw a pair of Bow’s sweatpants along with a pair of his socks, a shirt, a sweatshirt, and a pair of his gym sandals. It was then that she realized she had been shivering. The water soaking her clothes had dried quite a bit but still made the cold waiting room even colder.

“How did you…?” She whispered.

“They said you’d need a change of clothes…..” He trailed off, not quite knowing what to say.

“Thanks,” She muttered, taking the bag and heading to the bathroom. When she entered she took her wallet, keys, and the ring out of her pockets and placed them on the shelf above the sink. Her phone? She was certain she had it at the restaurant but had no idea where it was. She couldn’t make herself care either. Everyone she needed was already here. She allowed her eyes to linger on the ring for a few extra seconds, remembering how happy she had been the day she bought it, how happy Scorpia had been to be included in shopping for the engagement ring her best friend would be wearing. The gold band was thin and smooth, embedded with small jewels. Catra had never been one for ostentatious jewelry and certainly wouldn’t like a huge rock sticking out of one of her fingers. Neither of them were fans of diamonds anyway, so the ring she had gotten for Catra was embedded on the top with five rubies, for the five years they had been dating. She smiled, thinking about how much she was sure Catra would like it. It was sentimental and thoughtful, two traits that Catra had always pretended annoyed her about Adora but really she loved. 

When she looked at herself in the mirror she almost fell to her knees, barely catching herself on the edge of the sink. The woman in the reflection looked exhausted, broken, defeated. She was covered in blood. The more she looked the more horrified she felt, staring at all of the blood, of Catra’s blood all over her. It was soaked into her shirt, every thread of her pants. It was clumped in her hair, stuck under her fingernails, lining the cracks in the palms of her hands, and smeared on her cheeks. Adora ripped her shirt open, buttons scattering along the floor, and shoved it into the trash can followed by her pants. Once she was out of the blood soaked clothes she turned on the faucet and began furiously scrubbing at her hands and forearms. She felt nauseous as she tried to fight back the thoughts that were creeping into her mind.

What if that was the last time I ever see her?

Did she know? Did she know how much I loved her?

I tried, I tried so hard to make sure she knew, she had to have known.

What if it wasn’t enough? There was so much more I wanted to say, thought I would have time to say.

She finally sank, unable to hold herself up anymore, knees hitting the tile floor as she broke down. Catra had saved her. Catra had seen a car coming, about to hit Adora, and she had thrown her out of the way and gotten hit in the process.

Did she know? Did she know she wouldn’t make it? Did she know that there was no way for her to save them both?

The thought of the decision Catra just made slammed into her and she felt dizzy, crawling on her hands and knees to the toilet where she vomited violently, her body shaking with the sobs. She couldn’t breathe. When she was finished releasing the contents of her stomach, coughing and gagging until she was empty and nothing else would come out she finally sat and tried to calm herself down. 

“No,” She said out loud to herself. 

“Ok. Ok Adora. You don’t know anything yet. She was alive in that ambulance. She... she was still alive the last time you saw h-her,” she tried to reason with herself but it just came out as more choked sobs and tears falling from her eyes at the thought that yeah, she didn’t know. Catra had shared everything with her and this is the one time since they were kids that Adora had absolutely no fucking idea if she was ok or not. They could look into each others’ eyes and see every emotion, every fear, every worry, every insecurity projected like a movie screen but in a language only the two shared. She hadn’t felt this lost since she was a child in her foster home with no friends and nothing to ground herself, but Catra had come along and they had been inseparable for years. They made it out of that house, that awful place and did great things with their lives against all odds. They could do anything together, and had achieved so much together. How would Adora do it alone? Whenever she had pictured her life it had always had Catra in it. Her future always featured Catra. 

When they first got together they had agreed, even if their relationship didn’t work out, even if they broke up, they wanted to be in each others’ lives forever. That was the deal.

You look out for me and I look out for you. Nothing really bad can happen as long as we have each other.

As she arrived back in the waiting room Glimmer, Bow, Angella, and Micah looked at Adora, eyes glistening and brows upturned in sympathy. She walked wordlessly directly to Glimmer and reached out her hand, palm facing down and fingers curled into a fist. When Glimmer held her hand out, palm up, Adora released her fist and the ring dropped softly into Glimmer’s hand. Glimmer looked at it, her eyes widening. She knew Adora had planned on proposing and had a ring, but she didn’t know it would be today during their date. Her heart broke for her friend all over again. She nodded to Adora, a silent promise to keep the ring safe before putting it in her pocket. Adora walked back over to the chair she had been sitting in previously, closest to the doors that would lead her back to Catra, and resisted the urge to turn around and look at Bow when she heard his sniffle and choked cry.

Catra was all Adora had ever wanted. Catra was her world, and they had such big plans for their future together. They had known for years that when the time was right they were going to marry each other. They knew they wanted kids together, had actually just closed on the house they had planned on living in for the foreseeable future. Maybe it was a little out of order to buy a house together before they were married, but their lease had been ending and they had the money for a down payment. Besides, piece of paper or not they were forever. They were going to raise a family, give as much love as they possibly could to each other and their kids, provide them with everything that they didn’t have growing up. They were going to have Grandma Angella and Grandpa Micah, honorary titles they had asked the two for permission to use sometime around the winter holidays last year. They would have Aunt Glimmer, Uncle Bow, Aunt Scorpia and Aunt Perfuma. The family Catra and Adora built for themselves was solid and beautiful. It was hard work and they had done it all together and they were so excited to explore what that family looked like every year for the rest of their lives.

To think that, that family was something she might never get to experience with Catra again was too much for her to handle. There was a chance she would have to go back to her house, still half full of moving boxes, and figure out what to do, figure out how to live alone. Their pets, always waiting at the door for them to come home, would be looking to the door, wondering when Catra would walk through it. How could she recover from losing not just her girlfriend but her future? Could she recover from losing the other half of herself? Did she want to?

Adora’s breathing began to speed up, turning erratic as she curled in on herself putting her head between her knees as sobs once again shook her body. Glimmer noticed the tell tale signs of one of Adora’s panic attacks, which didn’t happen anywhere near as often as they had the year they met but still came up occasionally, and walked over to rub circles on her best friend’s back. 

“She’s going to be ok Adora. Catra is strong and stubborn and all she wants is to be with you. She’s not going to let a car stop her from doing that,” Glimmer said while continuing the motion of her hand, looking to Bow who nodded encouragingly.

“This is the best trauma center in the city, some of the best doctors in the state are here. Catra is in good hands,” Micah said, leaning forward in his chair to smile at Adora and give her a thumbs up. 

“We are all here for you Adora. You’re not alone. You never have to be alone,” Angella whispered. 

Adora isn’t sure how long she sat in the waiting room silently, begging the doors to open and for someone to tell her something, anything, about Catra’s condition. Once her breathing had calmed and the tears had dried Bow managed to get her something from the hospital cafeteria to snack on while they waited. She got a couple of bites into the granola bar and apple slices before feeling full and nauseous again. Waiting was good right? If Catra was dead, if they couldn’t save her, it wouldn’t be taking so long for them to come tell her, right? But if Catra’s condition wasn’t bad, if she was going to recover whatever they needed to do to save her wouldn’t be taking so long, would it? Adora was caught again in a spiral of thoughts, of ‘what ifs,’ not wanting to think about the possibility that Catra wasn’t coming back to her. Things had been too good for too long hadn’t they? She couldn’t help thinking of all of those things her old foster mother had told her years ago, about how much better she could be if she just tried harder, worked harder. If she had been better, if she had been faster and paying more attention she could have saved both of them and then Catra wouldn’t be in the ER with ribs poking through her skin and blood pouring out of her mouth. She could have protected her like she was supposed to, but instead she wasn’t good enough again after all of these years. 

“Adora?” A nurse asked, walking into the waiting room

Adora jumped up, feeling dizzy from the combination of her empty stomach, her concussion, and her panic attack from earlier.

“Catra is out of surgery,” He said gently, smiling at her, “she is still asleep, but you can come see her.”

“Sh-she’s ok?” She stuttered out, blood rushing back to her face, making her feel hot.

“Yes. She is severely injured, and it's going to be a while before she is back to herself, but she is doing just fine now. She’s out of the woods and she just needs to rest and recover,” He said, smiling at her like a few minutes ago her entire world wasn’t falling apart.

Adora followed him as he led her back through the doors, wishing she could focus enough to look back over her shoulder at the rest of her family, but hearing, “she is doing just fine,” and, “she just needs to rest and recover,” had given her tunnel vision. 

She followed him into Catra’s room, feeling her heart stop when she laid eyes on her. She was lying limp on the bed with an IV in her hand, wires poking out from under her gown. There were bandages on her face, framing the curve of her chin and the arch of her eyebrow on the left side. The hump under the blanket, no doubt a cast, extended up a significant portion of her leg. Adora tries not to focus on the injuries as she walks closer, instead focusing on the rise and fall of her chest, her breathing strong. She focuses on the steady beep of the heart monitor, projecting the beat of her favorite sound. When she is awoken from the nightmares of her past, of the trauma they lived through in that house for so many years and she just can’t get her brain to recognize how much different things are now, how much safer, Catra would pull her into her arms and she would rest her head against Catra’s chest, letting the sound of her heartbeat comfort her and lull her to sleep. That was always what grounded her in her moments of panic, the indication that the love of her life, her soul mate, her person was there and alive with her. 

The doctor had walked in, trying to explain the extent of the injuries. A leg was broken, three ribs were broken and several others bruised, a concussion, a lung was punctured by the rib that hadn’t been protruding from her chest. Adora zoned out as the doctor told her about the ruptured spleen and the internal bleeding, and what the road to recovery looked like.

“But she’ll be ok right? She’s going to live? She’s going to stay with me right?” Adora interrupted, looking at the doctor with urgency and fear, feeling every bit the child she had been all those years ago when their foster mother would drag Catra away to punish her and Adora wasn’t sure if she would see Catra tomorrow. 

The doctor looked understanding, knowing Adora couldn’t have been paying much attention as she stared at her love in the hospital bed. She placed an encouraging hand on Adora’s shoulder and said, “Yes, she is going to live. She is going to wake up as soon as the stronger medication wears off. She is going to stay. I’ll leave you to stay with her and I will have someone tell the rest of your family which room she’s in. Just focus on resting and letting her rest. I will come by later when she’s awake and you’re feeling better to explain the care options that are available to her.” The doctor explained, ushering Adora to a chair by the bed, a warm blanket there waiting for her.

It was another incomprehensible amount of hours of sitting in that chair, holding Catra’s hand as the rest of the family shuffled in and out. No one wanted to leave the two alone, so they would take turns going out to run errands. While Angella and Micah stayed with Adora for the first few hours, Glimmer and Bow would take Adora’s keys and pick up her car, taking it back to their house. They would feed Melog, their cat, and Swift, their golden retriever. They would unpack kitchenware from the moving boxes stacked in the corner before packing a pair of clothes for each of them and bringing them back to the hospital. While Bow and Glimmer stayed with Adora for the next few hours, Angella and Micah went to the grocery store and picked up some ingredients, taking them back to their own house to make some meals to freeze for them so they wouldn’t have to worry about what to eat while they focused on Catra’s recovery. She tried to whisper “thanks you” to them, saying she would pay them back someday but they waved her off, saying that she didn’t need to thank them for taking care of her. They were a family, Catra and Adora included, and they took care of their family.

She always knew they loved her, that her and Catra were a part of their family. She wasn’t surprised by all that they were doing for them, but she hoped that eventually she would get used to the kindness. Right now she just felt lucky that her found family was so powerful, so strong, so loving. She would remember the kindness they had given her on the worst day of her life and she would never take it for granted. For now though, all she could do was curl into herself on that chair with a blanket wrapped around her shoulders and let herself drift in and out of sleep, the exhaustion working overtime to try to get her to rest.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Catra feels heavy and groggy. She’s absolutely exhausted, despite the fact that she knows she has been asleep for a while. On top of that, she doesn’t recognize where she is, though she has a few guesses. She is in a bed that is just on the verge of being comfortable, covered by a blanket that she can tell has artificial warmth. One leg is elevated slightly on a foam block and a series of pillows and the other is laying flat on the bed but is clearly encased in a compressive sleeve or sock or something. She can hear a steady beeping, and can feel tape on her arms and adhesive on her chest near her collarbone and under her breasts. She smells antiseptic and knows where she must be.

Then the pain comes. She whimpers involuntarily as it shoots up her leg, her chest throbbing and head aching. What doesn’t hurt is sore, so sore that she isn’t sure if there is a part of her that isn’t in pain. She tries to take stock of her body, not really sure what works right now. She can curl her toes on both feet, though the motion causes twinges of pain to surge up her left leg. She can also flex her fingers, relief washing over her as she realizes that, if she can move her fingers and toes, at least she will be able to walk. When she tries to shift her torso, however, is when she experiences the most pain. She can tell there is something wrong with her chest and tries to talk herself out of wondering what that might be. Just as she groans and tries to tilt her head to the side, fingers weave themselves with hers. 

“Catra? Baby are you awake?” That voice, her love, her girlfriend, Adora.

“Ye-ah!” she tries to answer but it comes out as a gasp.

“It's ok kitten, you’re ok,” Adora soothes, standing over her now and tracing her hairline with a few soft, gentle fingers.

“A-dora,” Catra whimpers out, throat sore from the surgery and the coughing, “I love you,” she says, knowing how close she came to never being able to speak those words to her again.

“I know kitten, I love you too. I love you so much baby fuck I was so scared,” Adora leans down to rain soft kisses on Catra’s head and face, tears of relief sliding down her cheeks. “I love you baby, you're my whole world and I can’t even imagine my life without you. You mean so much to me and god I always thought I had all the time in the world to tell you that but I-I realized today that I don’t and you can be taken away from me so fast. I just want you to know how much you mean to me baby, I want you to know how much I love and cherish and admire you,” Adora whispers frantically, as though she’s worried she’ll only have seconds more with the love of her life to express how much she means to her.

“I love you too Adora, princess I love you so much. I know how much you love me, I’ve never doubted it for a second I promise you. I promise if… if I had… been gone today, I would have gone knowing how much you love me. I know baby, I always have. I just hope you know how much I love you too,” Catra tries to reassure her love. 

“I know baby, I know. You’ve never done anything but show me how much you love me,” Adora said with a sigh, for the first time today allowing herself to relax. “You’re hurt, kitten, you should go back to sleep. Rest more baby,” she whispered gently, coaxing Catra back to sleep with fingers carding through her hair and gentle kisses to her face. 

“Adora?” She said, feeling the haze return to her mind, forcing her eyes closed as she surrendered to the drowsiness she had been feeling since she woke up. 

“Yeah sweetheart?” Adora responded, breathing in the smell of Catra’s hair like she’d never smelled a scent more soothing. 

“I was only trying to protect you, like you protected me all those years,” she whispers out in a fog.

“I know, kitten. I know,” Adora breathes into her ear.

“But it’s not because I like you,” Catra slurs.

The last thing Catra hears as she drifts off to sleep is Adora’s breathy laugh.


	2. To love, openly and without shame

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adora was never accustomed to a home being a place. It was always a person. Catra was always her home, would always be her home.

“I’m home!” Adora called into the house, closing the door behind her with her foot and kicking her shoes off, juggling her keys with the grocery bag in her right hand while her left held firmly to her gym bag. She listened for some kind of response, but didn’t hear anything other than the soothing melody of Catra’s favorite Spotify playlist emitting from deep within the house. Adora smirked. No one would ever believe her if she told them that Catra, ripped-skinny-jeans-and-combat-boots-Catra, unironically listened to smooth jazz. Dropping her bag by the front door, she toed off her trainers and then made her way through the house to look for her girlfriend.

Adora stopped briefly in their small kitchen to deposit the grocery bag, catching the familiar scent of Catra’s slow cooker shredded chicken recipe, perfected over the years of college and internships where neither of them had time to cook anything that required more effort than just putting in a slow cooker all day. She inhaled sharply through her teeth as her foot landed on an ice cube, the cold seeping into her nerves and leaving the bottom of her sock drenched. She looked around and realized there was quite a lot of ice littering the floor, some shards already melted into little puddles. She picked up all of the stray ice and put it in the sink before grabbing a towel and soaking the pools off of the floor, depositing it in the laundry room on her way to the kitchen along with her wet sock. She got halfway to the den before rolling her eyes at herself and turning around, taking her other sock off and putting it in the laundry with the first one.

She loved their house. It was home. Adora was never accustomed to a home being a place. It was always a person. Catra was always her home, would always be her home. The places they lived or more accurately, slept; foster homes, friends’ couches, the back of Adora’s hatchback (a few times), futons in basements, motels, dorm rooms, apartments, those had just been places to rest after a long day. There was no trace of themselves, their personalities or interests, in any of them. They accumulated things out of necessity, but they never lived somewhere that felt like it was theirs'. The years of growing up in foster care made them afraid of getting too attached to a place, filling it with personal items that they would have to leave behind at the drop of a hat. The only thing they could afford to get attached to was each other and that was a stretch of the imagination at first. When they finally left, and had nowhere to go, they were happy that everything they owned fit into their backpacks. It made it easier to run, to get out, that they didn’t need to waste time choosing what to take and what to leave behind. That instinct to keep their possessions light continued the rest of the way through high school and into college when they, unbeknownst to their friends, hopped between places just to get a night to sleep somewhere warm and safe. When their financial aid kicked in and they were able to get a dorm to share, the number of things they owned started to grow. They realized, through the help of friends and the lovely staff at the school’s counseling center, that they didn’t need to be able to run anymore because they were safe. It was a slow process, learning to let go of that fear and instinct, but like everything else they did it together.

This house, the one they bought together and made their own, was finally a place that she could call home. They took this worn brick rancher just outside of the city and filled it with lavender and vanilla candles. Canvases they had commissioned from all of their favorite local artists, some close friends and some strangers, hung on the walls of every room. Photographs littered the entire house, from Polaroids taken at parties that clung to the refrigerator with magnets, to candid group pictures from the holidays with their found family in frames on the bookshelf, to the Instagram model worthy photos of each other that they kept on their desks in the office. On the wall behind their couch hung a colossal woven tapestry, handmade by a retired firefighter and her wife, a Michelin star chef, that lived in a house on the beach they frequented in college. It was the same beach they went to together, the first time either of them had seen the ocean. Everything about their house reminded Adora of their love for each other. There really was, after all of these years, a place to call home. 

Stepping into the den she was greeted by her favorite sight, and the reason neither Swift nor Melog had greeted her at the door. Catra was laying on the couch, her cast covered leg propped up on a pillow with Swift sandwiched between her side and the back of the couch and Melog slumbering on her chest. Adora could hear the cat purring from the doorway. Her lips spread into a grin as she leaned against the wall, her knees going a little weak at the tiny snores leaving her partner’s lips with the occasional twitch of an eyebrow or her nose. Catra was the cutest person Adora had ever seen, and sometimes when Catra was like this, peaceful and in her own little world, Adora got to see her as the child she was when they met. 

They had both come such a long way from the frightened children they used to be, clinging to each other for the support they needed but were too terrified to show weakness and ask for. Now they were adults, strong and capable of taking care of themselves and the people they loved. Out of all of the things that leaving their old foster home had taught them, the most important was where real strength came from. Now they knew that needing love, needing support, wasn’t something to be ashamed of but instead proved how strong you really were. They leaned on each other, and they weren’t afraid any more to show their love or to receive that love in return. To love, openly and without shame, was all they had ever dreamed of.

Catra shifted in her sleep, her snores halting and replaced by a soft groan as her eyebrows turned downward, tensing her forehead and revealing the discomfort she was in. Adora moved to the couch to kneel down by Catra’s side, tracing her fingers over the creases in her forehead. She pet Melog, scratching behind their ears before the cat let out a tiny mewl, stretched, and jumped down from the couch. Catra’s eyes flickered open and through their sleep fogged haze searched until they landed on Adora’s pupils. She looked exhausted, the state she spent most of her time in since the accident. Adora longed for the day when Catra could just live, free of the burden of recovery she was made to shoulder every moment she was conscious. 

“Hey princess,” Catra whispered out, throat scratchy with sleep but also tinged with a deep pain Adora had become familiar with in the weeks following her release from the hospital. 

“Hey kitten, you ok?” Adora asked, threading her fingers up through Catra’s hair while the other hand reached for her thigh, squeezing gently. Catra didn’t say anything at first, allowing the comfort of Adora’s presence to calm her nerves and the smooth strokes of her fingers to massage warmth into her body. She couldn’t deny how much she missed Adora, feeling smaller and more vulnerable than she ever had before and longing for the comfort of Adora’s touch. It was terrifying, seeing that car coming for them and knowing that if she didn’t do something it was going to hit Adora. She still had nightmares of that, of seeing Adora struck to the ground right in front of her. She tried not to think about how close that came to happening, how close she was to losing the love of her life while she stood three feet away.

That was the worst part, for both of them. They were only standing three feet away when it happened. No matter how close they were, how much time they spent together, it didn’t change how easily they could lose each other. It didn’t change how quickly the universe could just remove them from existence, rip their consciousness from their bodies and erase everything about them. Torn from the fabric of reality one of them could be gone in a moment, leaving the other to spend the rest of their life chasing memories and holding onto the drifting image of their lover, lost forever to the cosmos. 

Catra had been feeling ok, not great but not terrible either. She tried really hard not to let the injuries and her subsequent feeling of uselessness plague her thoughts all day. She had been diligent with her morning and afternoon meditations, making conscious effort to recognize her progress and acknowledge her negative thoughts and feelings before letting them go and trying to move on with her day. Her mental journey was perhaps the hardest part of this recovery process. She was frustrated. She wanted to give up, to let herself sink into that darkness she used to feel as a child and teenager, to succumb to the thoughts that had lived in the back of her mind for all of these years. She couldn’t do that though. She couldn’t do that to Adora, who loved her more than life itself, and she couldn’t do it to all of their friends that showed her a love and kindness that she worked so hard to deserve. More than anything, though she didn’t always believe it, she knows that she couldn’t do that to herself either. This emotional journey she went through daily was taxing, driving her to exhaustion every moment of the fight. 

“Yeah, just tired,” She murmured, trying to hide the rasp of her voice from the frustrated sobs that had racked her body a few short hours ago. She didn’t want Adora to feel bad for leaving her alone when it was her idea. Catra had all but forced her out the door with her gym bag and a grocery list in hand in an attempt to get her to do something that made her happy for just herself for once in the last month instead of having to constantly hover over Catra and worry. Catra made her promise not to come home until she did her workout, had lunch with Bow and Glimmer, visited Angella and Micah, and went to the store. 

“Anything happen while I was gone? Get enough rest? I know you cooked but you’re supposed to be resting and not moving around a kitchen…” Adora said, untangling her fingers from Catra’s brown locks, dragging her index finger down her forehead, along the bridge of her nose to the tip and back up toward her hairline. She repeated the path in methodic strokes, up and back down with a feather touch.

“I know. I just don’t like feeling like I can’t do anything. I promise I cut all of the vegetables sitting at the table, and I moved the chair over to the counter and sat down while I put everything in the slow cooker. I admit it was really tiring, and I didn’t realize how hard it would be, but I really was totally fine,” Catra rationalized, not wanting to upset her partner.

“Hey, hey it’s okay. I’m not mad that you wanted to do something yourself, that's okay. I just wish you’d waited until I got home in case something happened and you needed help,” Adora spoke sternly, the worry evident on her face.

“I shouldn’t have just started cooking, using all the sharp knives when I can’t even walk by myself in case something happens. I know that. I just… was tired of feeling so useless all the time. I was tired of needing help with things that I never used to need help with. And it did go fine, really. I got through chopping and cooking before the exhaustion really hit me. I put all of the dishes in the sink and was going to wash them but just got so tired. I couldn’t even pick up the ice I spilled all over the floor. I wanted to lay down to rest for a little while and then get back up to clean before you were home, but I passed out as soon as I laid down and didn’t even have time to set an alarm on my phone before I was out,” Catra explained. She hated feeling so vulnerable, so incapable of taking care of herself. 

What she missed the most, though, was taking care of Adora. Sure, it would be nice to be able to shower by herself or do her own laundry, but what she really longed for was the ability to bring Adora breakfast in bed, to cook her dinner before she got home from work on those days that Catra got home and Adora was working late. Sometimes if she had a lunch meeting close enough to Adora’s work she would drop off lunch for her too. Catra missed being able to show Adora how much she loved her, how much she meant to her. She knew that Adora would never doubt her love for her, but it still felt like she needed to be able to show her. Seeing the surprised blush appear on Adora’s face, replaced by her lopsided smile while her brows turned up every time Catra did something sweet just for the hell of it was a sight that brought such warmth to her chest. Sometimes, all Catra wanted was to do something that would plaster that look on Adora’s face. 

“I know baby. I know how frustrated you must be and how hard this is for you. You never liked letting anyone take care of you and I know the added vulnerability of not being able to do all of the things you used to do by yourself is just adding to how anxious this whole situation is making you. There isn’t anything wrong with wanting to do things by yourself, to try to hold on to what little of your physical ability remains after the accident. You’re trying so hard, doing so much every day to try to fortify yourself mentally so you don’t fall back into that darkness you were trapped in. The amount of sheer force of will I have seen you exert over this past month, doing your meditations, journaling, therapy, taking this active role in stabilizing your mental health so you can continue fighting for your physical health too has been so awe inspiring. You’re so strong, and powerful, and sexy that I can’t spend even a moment focusing on something else before I bring my thoughts back to you and how amazing you are. You’re doing your absolute best, kitten,” Adora spoke earnestly, cupping Catra’s face to brush the pad of her thumb in long strokes from her chin, just grazing the corner of her lips, and up along the top of her cheekbone over that supple skin under her eye. Her other hand moved from its spot on Catra’s thigh to grip her hand tightly, weaving their fingers and bringing their joined hands up to place her lips on Catra’s knuckles. 

Tears spilled over the corners of Catra’s eyes, rolling down her cheeks. She tried at first to hold it back, to beat down the sob that wanted to come out, but she knows an important part of this, no matter how much she doesn’t like it, is letting out her feelings and letting Adora support her. So, instead of deflecting and trying to distract herself and Adora, she scoots closer to the back of the couch, Swift shifting to rest on top of her working leg, leaving just enough room for Adora to crawl in next to her, wrapping Catra tightly in her arms. Adora shifted onto her back so Catra could lay her head on her chest, burrowing her nose into the crook of her neck.

Adora held her and just let her cry. She didn’t know how it felt, to be so weak and helpless, to be so frustrated and betrayed by your own body. She just knew Catra, and how much she could see that she was hurting. She knew where Catra was coming from because, the truth that she felt so selfish admitting, was that she missed how they were before. She missed when Catra could take care of her, when she could pick up the slack around the house on days when Adora had to work overtime. She missed waking up in the morning and not having to turn over to see if Catra was in pain, if she was crying in her sleep from a nightmare, if she was struggling to get out of bed. Adora missed when Catra was herself, and she felt terrible for feeling like that when she was beyond happy that Catra was even here with her. 

Sometimes Adora would wake up in the middle of the night and swear that she would look to her side and the bed would be empty next to her. She would lay there with her eyes squeezed shut, lip quivering, trying not to hyperventilate at the thought, and just lay there like that before she would have to resign herself to opening her eyes and finding out. No matter how many times she was thrust into the nightmares of Catra being gone, really gone, it never prepared her for the terror of waking up and having to find out. It never felt real, seeing Catra laying on the couch, sitting at her desk, lounging in the sun in their breakfast nook. She would let her eyes grow dry from the exertion of keeping them wide open, bathing in as much of the sight as she could in case it wasn’t real, in case she would have to close her eyes and open them to an empty house. 

They had been too happy for too long. They were deemed, arbitrarily by the universe, unworthy of happiness and had been punished. For no reason at all, they had been chosen to live in that foster home, suffering together for years. They had defied the odds and gotten out, stayed together, gone to college and gotten decent careers. They had learned to love and be loved, something that they were never taught how to do. Was this it? Was this the moment when the cosmos decided to take it all back, to remind them of who they were, what their lives were destined to be like?

She didn’t even realize she was crying too until Catra reached up to wipe a tear away, giving her a sad smile. 

“I love you, so much,” Catra said, knowing how much Adora needed to hear it. It wasn’t lost on Catra how much the accident had affected her, too. She knew about the nightmares even though Adora wouldn’t talk about them. She wished she would acknowledge that she was suffering too. Sure, she hadn’t been hit by the car, but at least Catra was unconscious after the accident. Adora went through torture, having to sit there and hold herself together wondering if Catra was alive. Catra didn’t remember anything after telling Adora that she loved her in the middle of the road that day, and she was thankful that she wasn’t aware of what was happening. She wasn’t capable of worrying about Adora for those hours they were separated. Catra’s nightmares were about being hit, and the pain that came with it, but she sometimes wondered if Adora had it worse for having to consider what her life would be like without her soulmate. 

“I love you too,” Adora’s broken whisper tore at Catra’s heart, urging her to hold on tighter.

“How about we get up and get something to eat? The chicken is in the crockpot on the counter, keeping it warm. Tortillas are on a plate in the microwave,” Catra suggested, remembering that Adora had just gotten home from the gym and was probably starving. As if on cue, Adora’s stomach emitted a loud rumble, causing the two to giggle.

“Yeah, that sounds good. I’ll do the dishes after. Thank you for this, for being you. Thank you for being here with me,” Adora’s voice cracked, telling Catra what she felt like she needed to tell her every day for the rest of her life, thanking her for staying with her. 

Their moods brightened after that. They ate dinner in relative silence save for Adora thanking Catra profusely for the food, holding hands and sharing quick glances, giggling when they would make eye contact and see the other staring. Catra was enthralled by Adora’s description of her workout today as she sat at the table watching Adora do the dishes. They moved to the living room to watch Netflix after Adora fed their pets and let the dog out into the back yard. She grabbed a beer for each of them as she returned to the couch, plopping down, folding one leg under the other, and wrapping an arm around Catra’s shoulders. Despite how her day had gone before Adora returned home, Catra felt really good. She was in hardly any pain, surprising since the more activity she did the more the soreness seeped into her joints and throbbed in her leg. They were both ok, having desperately needed the time earlier to just hold each other and cry.

Adora looked down at the woman in her arms, grinning broadly. 

“What?” Catra mumbled from her position leaning her head on Adora’s shoulder.

“What do you mean ‘what’? I didn’t say anything,” Adora chuckled out, biting her lip.

“You were thinking though,” Catra smirked up at her, staring at Adora through the lashes on her hooded eyes. 

“Yeah. I was,” Adora teased, squeezing Catra further into her side.

Catra pressed against her and buried her head in her neck, breathing in Adora’s scent and tickling her sensitive skin with her exhale. 

“You gonna tell me what it's about?” Catra mumbled into her neck.

“No. But soon,” Adora’s voice softened to whisper earnestly into Catra’s ear. Soon she would take that ring out of the shoebox in the hall closet, where it hid under a box of holiday decorations. She would tell Catra everything she already knew, about how much better her life was with her in it, about how much she loved her and needed her, about how her only real desire was to spend the rest of their lives together. Adora would take out that ring and ask Catra to marry her.

Not tonight, though. Tonight they were going to keep holding each other, feeling each other’s breathing and heart beats, and reveling in the fact that they were both still here together. Tonight they were healing, and helping each other heal. Adora wouldn’t wait much longer, now that both of them were doing so much better. She hadn’t wanted to distract Catra at first, give her anything to focus on other than healing. Maybe that was stupid, but it just didn’t feel right to give her more to worry about or think about right after the accident. She wanted to ask her, wanting more than anything to have been able to ask her that night or any day after, but with how many mornings she awoke to Catra’s sobs, or nights she lay awake with Catra unable to fall asleep, she knew it wasn’t time. 

No, she wouldn’t propose tonight. 

Soon, though.


	3. She was wrong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Catra knew from a very young age that she would never love anyone as much as she loved Adora.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW mentions of child abuse are really prominent in this chapter. I don't consider it graphic, but its definitely a lot more detailed than anything mentioned previously.

Catra knew from a very young age that she would never love anyone as much as she loved Adora.

Catra’s only dream when she was a child was to be loved. For as long as she could remember she had lied awake at night allowing the tears stinging her eyes to fall while she thought of the future, of finding a place that would fill the hole in her heart and quell the anxiety gripping her chest. She would take a shaky hand and trace the dusty ridges in the plaster above her head, only able to reach from her spot on the top bunk in the one bedroom in the group home, rubbing the chalky residue between her fingers and using the texture to try to distract herself from the intrusive thoughts that plagued her in the dead of night. All she had ever known was this tightness in her chest, a cold unfeeling hand gripping her heart painfully. She wanted to know that she belonged somewhere. She craved knowing what it felt like to be wanted, to make someone else’s life better just by being in it. Everyone looked at her like she was a burden, like she was an inconvenience and needed to prove her worth to them for them to continue caring for her. They didn’t mean to show it, or maybe they did, but she was exceptional at reading peoples’ facial expressions and could tell that everyone from her teachers, to her case worker, to any foster family she lived with, thought the same thing. She wanted to know what it felt like to be looked upon with softness and love for no other reason than the fact that she was herself. She wanted to be enough. Some time in a far away and distant future, perhaps in a different reality entirely, she would find out. She would walk in the door and whoever was there, whether it was a foster parent, a friend, or something more, would look at her and smile. She wanted to be the kind of person that brought a smile to someone’s face instead of the look of disdain she was used to. Bouncing around to different homes certainly dampened the hope, but eventually she would settle somewhere.

That dream dissolved over the first year she lived in Ms. Weaver’s foster home. The hope she used to feel whenever she saw her case worker, who would smile at her and promise to find her a home, was replaced by an anger she didn’t even have the words to describe yet. The look in her case worker’s eyes that she used to think was optimism she learned quickly was actually pity. Catra knew better than to believe that was a possibility, recognizing it as the lie that it was. The woman had to have known, without a doubt, that she was lying to the child. That first year taught her a lot about the world, about what people were capable of, about just how cruel people could be without a reason. The first few times her case worker came to check on her she would listen in on the conversation, eyes burning and heart thundering in her ears as she heard Ms. Weaver telling her what a troubled young girl Catra was, how it was a pity nobody had taught her right from wrong before now, but that Ms. Weaver in her infinite patience and kindness would be more than willing to keep Catra in her home to teach her to be better. She tried to tell her case worker that she didn’t like it there, but she was too young to explain it. It wasn’t physical at the beginning, so there were no bruises or broken bones to incriminate the evil woman. Catra was just looked at with pity and barely restrained disgust, and told that sometimes things don’t go your way and you have to learn from it. She learned a lot that first year with Ms. Weaver. The most important thing that she learned, though, was that there was no such thing as unconditional love. Love was earned, and she would never do anywhere near enough to earn it. She wasn’t enough.

At the end of that first year, though, Adora came to live with them and she suddenly started to feel something she hadn’t felt since she shuffled into that house with her own tiny backpack in her hands and her eyes stinging with tears she wouldn’t shed a year ago. Adora’s laughter, the way she cared for Catra with a softness to her eyes that she learned quickly not to show unless they were alone together, gave Catra a warm feeling in her belly. The hand gripping her heart loosened ever so slightly. Adora snuck snacks from the kitchen, against the rules, on nights when Ms. Weaver would send Catra to bed without dinner. She would read to her in the middle of the night when she was afraid to close her eyes to attempt sleep, knowing that as soon as she did, the torment Ms. Weaver put her through daily would haunt her nightmares as well. Adora put bandages on her skinned knees, held stolen ice packs to her bruised sides and back, wrote for her when she couldn’t do her homework because of her broken fingers, and did it all while giving Catra that same soft smile. Catra would return the favor by encouraging her, being the only person in Adora’s life to tell her that she was doing a good job at something. Catra would reassure Adora that she wasn’t messing anything up, but even if she was, she didn’t have to be perfect. Her team might have lost their soccer game but Adora herself scored more goals than any one person on the other team. She missed points on a test but she still got the highest grade in the class. Ms. Weaver was always disappointed and Catra made it her mission to always be there to distract Adora from the woman’s impossible standards.

Unbeknownst to Ms. Weaver, the rift she tried to drive between the two children with her manipulation tactics was growing more and more narrow instead of wider. Adora was supposed to feel burdened by the responsibility of keeping Catra in line, and grow more distant as she concluded that Catra wasn’t worth the trouble, and was only bringing her down. Catra was supposed to feel jealous at the positive attention Adora received and grow angry and resentful of Adora for the pain she felt. That was the plan, they were sure of it. The cracks between them were supposed to fracture and crumble, a chasm of anger, pain, doubt, fear, insecurity, and resentment was supposed to quake apart into a fissure, miles deep and uncrossable with Adora on one side turning her back. Catra would stand on the edge, staring down into the darkness, and allow herself to fall. 

Instead they would lay awake at night murmuring reassurances to each other in the quiet of their room until they were both too exhausted to stay conscious. Adora would whisper over and over again through sobs that she was sorry she wasn’t better, sorry that she didn’t do enough to make Ms. Weaver happy today, sorry that she made her take it out on Catra. She would be swallowed by that darkness, shaking in her choked sobs and tearing at her hair until Catra would take her hands in her own and fold them to press against her own chest, trying her hardest to reassure Adora that there was nothing she could do to stop Ms. Weaver from hurting either of them. Adora knew, though she acted like it didn’t bother her for Adora’s sake, that every blow dealt to her body and mind was devastating to Catra. She would stare off, a faraway look in her eyes as they glossed over in a haze, her hearing fogging while she spiraled into that dark place, wondering why no one loved her. 

They were supposed to go to bed separately, blaming each other. Instead they went to bed together, fantasizing about the day they got to walk out of that door and never return. Out of all of their dreams, fantasies, loose plans, thinly veiled schemes, the most important part was that they would do it together, hand in hand. They would never leave each other behind.

Adora would deal with that psychological torment for a very long time, even after they managed to get out. She would wake up in a sweat, fearing the day Catra realized she couldn’t protect her and leaving her alone because she wasn’t good enough. Catra would shy away from every touch, especially to her face, unless it was Adora’s. She would resist any attempts by anyone to get close to her, knowing that there was no such thing as a love you didn’t earn. She wasn’t sure yet if she had earned love from Adora, but she would make damn sure to work at it for the rest of her life.

She learned to love though, to her surprise. She learned to love Bow and Glimmer, Angella and Micah, her friends Scorpia and Entrapta. She had so much more love in her life than she thought she deserved. It took her a long time, years of insecurity, tears, anger, heartbreak, to get to the place she was now. Sometimes she still had doubts, her childhood haunting her with whispered memories in the middle of the night, Ms. Weaver’s voice in her head telling her that she wasn’t enough, that she wasn’t doing enough to deserve their love. She wondered for a long time what she did to deserve it in the first place, what condition she met, what she brought to the table for them to want this relationship with her. How did she even earn it? Was their love for her just an extension of their love for Adora? She never knew, not really. She was always too afraid to find out, worried that asking might remind them that she hadn’t, in fact, done anything to deserve it in the first place. She lived in this state for years, through college, graduation, and beyond. She nurtured these relationships that she thought were so delicate, terrified at the prospect of messing something up and losing all of these people that she grew to need. How was it possible that once she finally learned to let people in, finally grew to accept that she needed other people in her life, that she felt worse and more afraid than she did when she was alone?

She was wrong though. She realized that the moment she saw them all sitting around her in the hospital bed. She saw how much they loved her when they snuck in food so she didn’t have to eat from the hospital cafeteria, when they brought her clothes to wear, when they came back reporting how their pets were doing with them away, showing her a picture of Melog sleeping on top of Swift. They did so much for her while she was in the hospital and she didn’t think she would ever be able to express how much she appreciated it. None of that compared to how she felt when she stumbled shakily on her crutches into their house and instead of seeing moving boxes piled in the corners she saw her house completely unpacked and even decorated. In her absence, and Adora’s subsequent absence since she hadn’t really left her side in the hospital, they put away all of their cookware, cleaning supplies, entertainment, clothes, and everything else she could think of. They had even hung all of their framed photos on the walls. Catra broke down then, sinking onto the couch and stuttering out her gratitude between sobs as Adora sat next to her with an arm around her shoulders, Bow and Glimmer coming up to kneel by her side and wrap their arms around her too. Micah walked over and placed a warm hand on her upper back while Angella bent down to place a kiss to the top of her head. She sat there like that and let her family hold her. 

They continued to show her that same amount of love and care throughout her recovery, bringing her and Adora trays of food, going grocery shopping for them when she managed to tell them how exhausted Adora was, and even driving her to physical therapy. They came over and sat with her on days that Adora had to work and she felt like she just couldn’t be alone without the walls closing in on her, suffocating her with the panic and fear that came with being so vulnerable and weak. She truly didn’t think she would ever be able to repay them, and when she confided this feeling to Angella one afternoon over coffee, she had received a soft smile, warm and motherly, and was told, “You don’t have to repay us. We are your family.”

Catra’s heart swelled all over again every time she realized that these people all really loved her. It occurred to her in that moment while the woman smiled at her with pride, eyes shimmering, that Angella looked at Catra the same way she looked at Adora and Bow, which was no different from the way she looked at Glimmer. Angella saw herself as the mother Catra never had, the mother she deserved all of these years. That fullness in her chest carried her through to bed that night when she let a tear fall with a smile on her face. When Adora looked at her with concern she just shook her head and said, “They all really love me, huh?” and all Adora could do was smile back and kiss her forehead, taking her into her strong arms and holding her. 

She spent a lot of time after the accident thinking, wondering what would have happened if she hadn't made it. Adora had confided in her one night, as a part of her own recovery, how terrified she had been that she would have to come home to an empty house and try to put her life back together if she had lost her. Catra held Adora that night and listened to her choke through sobs how terrified she had been that day of losing Catra, the only person in this world she couldn’t live without. 

Catra remembered everything about the accident. She remembered seeing the car coming, headed straight for Adora, the most important person in her life, and having to make a decision. There wasn’t time to think, not really, but she had enough time to realize that one of them was going to be hit by this car, and she wouldn’t let it be Adora. She remembered grabbing her girlfriend’s waist and wrist, using all of her strength to pivot on her heels, and throw Adora to safety. She remembered the feeling of the car hitting her. It made contact with her leg, just below her hip bone, causing her body to fold against the hood. She vaguely remembered the nauseating feeling of her head physically spinning as she rolled over the top of the car and then the surface being yanked out from under her, her stomach pulling violently at the sudden feeling of plummeting to the ground. After the asphalt below knocked the wind out of her she tried to take a shaky gasp, but found that for some reason she was unable to. She remembered feeling the pain in her side, the wetness there as Adora’s hands slid along her skin, the feeling of her lung collapsing and the blood pouring from the corner of her mouth. She hoped with time she would forget the feeling of her body breaking, folding, and crushing in on itself. 

She knew that she would never forget Adora’s scream, the loud shriek of absolute horror that tore out of her throat at what Catra had to assume was the worst thing she could possibly imagine happening right in front of her. She would never forget the terror of lying on the ground, soaked in blood and water from that burst fire hydrant and listening to Adora beg her to stay awake, to stay with her. 

After that she was unconscious and then under anaesthesia and didn’t have to feel the fear and pain, wondering if Adora was ok. Hearing Adora’s sobs in that hospital room having just woken up from yet another nightmare where things had gone differently, was enough to make Catra’s heart shatter. She knew then the weight that Adora held on her shoulders the entire time Catra was unconscious. She knew, without a doubt, that even though she was the one with ruptured organs and broken bones, lacerations and a concussion, that what Adora went through that day was much, much worse. Adora had to wonder what her life would be like without Catra. She sat in that waiting room, thinking about how her future as she knew it would disappear forever into the crushing void, never to reappear again except for in her wildest dreams or perhaps her worst nightmares. Adora was going to have to move on, whether she wanted to or not.

Catra tried to bring it up one day. She tried to tell Adora that, if something ever happened to Catra and she couldn’t be there for Adora anymore, she wanted Adora to heal and find love. She wanted Adora to know that she could take all of that love and give it to someone if she ever found anyone else. She wanted Adora to be happy, because more than anything that is what she deserved. They had been in each other's lives for close to two decades, and there would always be a part of her that died with Catra, but she wanted her to feel like she could try. She wanted Adora to know that if there was ever someone who could fill even a tiny part of that hole, she could do it, and had her permission to. However, Adora was having none of it, tears forming in her eyes and spilling over to pour down her cheeks and drip off of her chin onto the comforter beneath her at the thought.

“There was never anyone else, and there never would be. I belong to you, every part of me, and there isn’t another person in this world that could even hold a candle to how much I feel for you. Don’t say things like that. Don’t make me promise to move on when there never was a future without you,” Adora couldn’t breathe by the time she was finished speaking. 

It was clear after that. There was no future without Catra, and Catra felt the same way about Adora. They would survive, make themselves survive, without each other, but it wouldn’t be real and they wouldn’t try to be someone they weren’t. They wouldn't pretend they were capable of loving anyone but each other in that capacity. 

Catra was thankful she was alive. She was thankful she got to continue spending her life with Adora, showing her how much she loved her and spending every day reassuring her that she was still here. Catra never really believed in an afterlife, had always thought that the way she remembered nothing and felt nothing from before she was born is the way things would be after she died. She thought her consciousness would be erased into the void that remained just on the edges of reality. She believed that after she died everything that made her herself would be erased and disappear. The thought used to comfort her. It used to bring her peace to know that when she died nothing she had done in her life would matter in any way. Now though, now she was terrified. She longed to believe what others did, that there was an after life, a paradise, waiting for her where she would spend eternity with the ones she loved. 

What hurt the most, though, was the thought that she might have left this world without proving to Adora how much love she really had for her. She knew that Adora was aware of exactly how much she loved her, that there was never a doubt in Adora’s mind after all of these years together that the love they had was eternal and destined. It still felt wrong that there were things they might not have had a chance to experience together. This realization filled both of them with a newfound sense of duty, to show each other every day how much love they really had in their hearts for the other. 

The ring was in the bottom drawer of her desk, hidden behind a stack of files and a stapler, so Adora wouldn’t find it. She was planning to do it when they took their yearly summer vacation to the beach with Glimmer’s family. They would have a bonfire on the dunes next to Angella and Micah’s beach house and with everyone they loved present, she would ask Adora to marry her. Every time she thought of her plan she could smell the salt from the waves dissipating in the air, feel the humidity on her skin, and hear the seawater crashing onto the beach. It was the perfect place to ask Adora the question that had been in the back of her mind since high school.

She would ask Adora to marry her, she was certain of that. She was also sure that she didn’t want to do it before she was recovered, because out of every woman in the world if there was one that deserved to be proposed to by getting down on one knee, Adora was certainly the one who deserved it. She wanted to be able to get on her knee for Adora without anyone else’s help.

So, Catra would propose to Adora, just not yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There goes the 2nd to last chapter! Thank you to everyone who left kudos and commented! I'm really happy that I was able to make a thing that people enjoyed and I hope this chapter is received well, too. I'm working really hard to make the last chapter something special, so it might take a little longer. This is the last one that's got so much.... existential dread. Next chapter I promise we all get what we've been waiting for.


	4. In this life and the next

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the final chapter! Thank you to everyone who has read so far and I hope this chapter lives up to any expectations! 
> 
> I know so far all I have done is poison the water supply, burn the crops, and deliver a plague unto your houses with all of the existential dread but hopefully with this chapter I will clear at least one person's skin.
> 
> Please enjoy!

Adora sat in her car in the driveway, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath to try to calm her nerves, before opening her eyes again to look at the front of the house she has owned with Catra for about six months now. The faded brick appeared much darker after this morning’s showers, contrasting the blue of the shutters she painted the previous weekend. Their royal blue was robust and bright, beautiful in combination with the white trim she had also touched up around the windows. More and more each passing day, this house felt like home to her. All of these little projects remind her that this house is hers, not just a place she will rent for a year before moving on, but really and truly hers. She isn’t sure if the giddy feeling she gets in her chest when she remembers that she owns a home, this home, with Catra will ever go away.

She gets out of the car and walks up the poured concrete path to the front door, a smile spreading across her face as she lifts a hand, the one that isn’t occupied by the bouquet of flowers, to wave at her neighbors. The two waved back at her, their child flinging their arms about wildly with an excited squeal. She got to know them a lot over the last few months, with Catra taking up baking as she healed and calling them over to pick up her latest loaf of bread or batch of cookies. They had babysat their 4 year old a few times, and had them over for dinner on several occasions. She smiles fondly at the memory of the quiche and loaf of sourdough they brought over after seeing Adora shuffle a shaky Catra into the house on her crutches one afternoon at the tail end of her first week of physical therapy. She passes the swinging bench that Bow helped her install on the porch, framed on either side by a planter overflowing with bright flowers and vines, and slides her key into the lock. Opening the door she is hit with the strong smell of peanut butter along with the more familiar scent that uniquely belongs to their home. Swift is there to greet her, tail thumping wildly on the leg of the table, so she spends a few seconds petting him before he runs off in the direction of the kitchen. Clearly he is interested in whatever is going on in there, and she is a little surprised that he even came to the door for her when the kitchen smells like that.

She toes her shoes off and places her laptop bag on the table by the door so she can make her way further into the house. Her soft footsteps are absorbed by the carpet running the length of the hall, though her foot hits that creaky floorboard that somehow ended up lining up with the painting of the city’s skyline they bought the last time they went to a gallery in town. Arriving in the kitchen she sees Catra, arms crossed and leaning against the counter, licking a spoon while Melog and Swift sit at her feet as though anything Catra is making right now belongs to them. She can see their heads move side to side, following the spoon as her love waves it back and forth in front of her. Catra smirks as she looks up, eyes lighting up as she takes in the sight of Adora. She pushes off of the counter, now no longer needing crutches to walk. She still experienced stiffness and pain, but the incidents were few and far between. Making her way over to Adora she smirks, realizing that the other woman is paying a little extra attention to the area of her stomach exposed by her crop top. She puts a little extra sway to her hips, a blush erupting over Adora’s face as the motion shakes her from her trance and she realizes that Catra definitely noticed her blatant staring. 

Catra reaches Adora and brings both hands up, one to rest on Adora’s chest before sliding up and over her collarbone, fingers tracing her neck right over the artery there so she can feel the throb of Adora’s heartbeat under her fingers. The hand turns, thumb brushing the corner of Adora’s jaw and fingers curling around to tease the hair at the nape of her neck. The other hand brings the spoon up to Adora’s mouth, her eyebrow quirking as she bites her lip, looking at Adora expectantly. Adora’s breath quickens and her eyes widen, her brain going absolutely haywire like it always does when Catra looks at her like that. She slides her hand around to grasp Catra’s back, pulling her hips closer, and maintains eye contact while parting her lips and letting her tongue slide out to give the batter on the spoon a tentative lick. Catra bites her lip harder, the blonde clearly intent on taking her time. When the spoon is bare, having been licked clean by Adora’s expert tongue while her unwavering gaze rests on Catra’s eyes she lowers it, reaching her hand to the side to place it on the counter next to them. She brings that same hand up to cup the side of Adora’s face before standing on her toes and bringing Adora’s head down slightly to press their lips together in a kiss. They both inhale, a sharp gasp coursing through them. Somehow each kiss feels both familiar, from the thousands of kisses they have shared before, while maintaining that same energy and excitement that the first ever kiss held. 

They break apart, grinning broadly at each other, and burst into wild giggles. 

“Hey baby, how was your day?” Adora breathes out, always a little easier once she has Catra back in her arms.

“Good. Really good. That graphics card I have been eyeing finally went on sale so I pulled the trigger on that. I went to the gym, doc gave me the all clear to start lifting again as long as I promise to do my PT stretches before and after. Can’t believe I almost caught up to you on squats and this shit happened but I can finally start working back up to my old PR. You better watch out because I am going to seriously dethrone you and take my rightful place as our household’s big muscular jock. I did some work, took some client calls. My boss is really excited to have me back on the team even if I am working from home. It felt good. It felt normal,” Catra says, excitement evident in her voice. Normal had been something to strive for since the accident. There were times when just feeling normal didn’t seem possible and Adora knows that the word holds far more meaning to Catra than anyone outside of their relationship would know. Not so long ago normal felt unattainable. 

“That’s awesome! You’ve been thinking about that graphics card forever and I know getting back to the gym was a big goal of yours,” Adora says back, mirroring the excitement. She doesn’t mention that there is no way she’ll let Catra’s squat PR surpass hers, but that can be an argument for a different day.

Catra leans up, looking for another kiss, while Adora gets the hint and leans down to capture Catra’s lips in hers. The contact lingers, lips gliding against each other ever so slowly. When they pull away, Catra buries her face in Adora’s neck while Adora pivots her head to kiss Catra’s temple. The timer on the oven sounds, breaking the silence in the room and causing Catra to pull away, winking at Adora before turning on her heels and grabbing the oven mitt on the counter. She slides it onto her hand and opens the door carefully, the smell of peanut butter growing stronger as steam floats out of the open door. Catra pulls out the tray and places it on the stove top. 

“What are you making?” Adora says, coming up behind Catra.

Catra, who recognizes Adora’s eager voice, laughs and says, “Peanut butter chocolate chip cookies. For Glimmer and Bow.”

Adora looks a little disappointed but tries to hide it. She loves Catra’s baking and was a little jealous that her friends seemed to get to experience it more often than she did.

Catra chuckles at Adora’s expression, “Don’t worry baby I made some for you too.”

“YES!” Adora pumps her fist in the air, a blush coating her cheeks as she realizes just how dorky that must have looked and quickly amends, “Um, thank you!”

Catra turns back to the stove, shutting off the oven, and placing the cookies on a cooling rack. She takes the mixing bowl and remaining measuring cups on the counter to the sink to begin doing the dishes. 

“So, how was your day?” Catra says, Adora can hear a teasing in her voice but has no idea why. 

“Good! Work was pretty good, got through a few meetings and finished some reports. I’m super relieved this week is over since we had all of those deadlines. Sorry I had to work late so many days by the way, they just really put the pressure on. I swear some of my coworkers who didn’t have a significant other as an excuse stayed even later than I did. I’m just glad I could get off early today and get to spend the weekend with you,” She said through sighs and shallow breaths. Work was stressful, but now she got to spend the weekend with Catra, and that was all she cared about.

“It's okay, babe. I know you have a lot to do. Plus it’s not like you work overtime all the time. Sometimes you just have a little extra on your plate, and I get that. Your work is important to you. Besides, I am interested in hearing how your day was after work,” Catra said, dropping a hint that Adora knew was probably massive for Catra, though she still didn’t get what she was fishing for. Adora’s eyebrows scrunched together.

“Uh…I mean I drove right by that farm? The one with all of the horses you know? I know it's the long way but that little baby is just so cute an-,” She was interrupted by a giggle and a smirk thrown over Catra’s shoulder.

“Come on princess, I know I’m hot, but you couldn’t have forgotten already that there’s something in your hand,” Catra ended her sentence with a snort.

Adora’s confusion turned into embarrassment, remembering all of a sudden the flowers that hung to her side, clutched in her iron grip. She looks at the flowers, then back at Catra’s face, who was smirking with a look of absolute delight. She gulps, trying to gain control of her racing heart and erratic breathing, and thrusts the bouquet of flowers at Catra, face burning and eyes shimmering. 

Catra puts the dishes down, dries her hands, and saunters back over to Adora, leaning down to smell the pleasant aroma before gently taking the flowers from Adora’s grasp.

“For me?” She breathes out, voice cracking, glancing up at Adora through her lashes with hooded eyes. Adora feels her insides melt, looking down at Catra and unable to form a single coherent thought. Her brows turn up, eyes squinting, and a smile slanting to the side in the look she always gave Catra, that look of unbridled joy and unadulterated love. 

“Yeah, kitten. Everything is for you,” She whispers, bringing her other hand up to cup Catra’s face, stroking her fingers along her jaw to play with the tuft of hair tucked behind her ear, rubbing her thumb over the peak of her cheekbone, and pressing her palm into her chin. Adora always did this, pour every ounce of herself into her touch, hoping to convey exactly how much she loved her. She harnessed the jolts of warmth and heat that overtook her and forced all of her concentration into pushing them down her arm and through each of her fingertips, hoping to send that same electricity, that same feeling into Catra. Stars, she hoped Catra could feel it.

“Me too baby, me too,” Catra whimpers back, a tear forming in her eye at the sheer force of love that struck her right in the chest, squeezing her heart and forcing the air from her lungs. That pressure in her chest is different than it used to be. When she was a child the pressure was fear and anger, a cold hand gripping her heart and seizing the breath from her lungs. Now though, the pressure came from within, like her heart was setting itself on fire and growing each passing moment she spent with this woman. The feeling scared her at first, and it took awhile for her to realize that it was so much different from what she was used to, but she got there eventually with the help of Adora and their family. 

Adora wraps her arms around Catra and brings her closer, threading her fingers through the hair at the nape of Catra’s neck and tracing her spine, blunt nails scratching at her skin. Catra places the flowers on the counter before sliding her arms around Adora’s back, clutching her tightly so they are chest to chest with her head under Adora’s chin. The taller woman closes her eyes, pressing her lips to her girlfriend’s hair before resting her chin on top of her head, pulling her closer still. It feels like no matter how close they are, how tightly they wind their limbs together, they can never get close enough. After a while, Catra places a few kisses to Adora’s collarbone, chaste at first. Adora hums, exhaling any remaining tension from her body, shoulders deflating as she begins to rock them side to side. Catra’s hands creep up Adora’s back to knead at the muscles covering her shoulder blades, nails biting into the skin even through her shirt. They continue to sway like that, back and forth, while Adora’s hand increases the length of its path along her back, fingers pressing into her spine enough to feel the ridges of each vertebrae as it travels at first up under her shirt between her shoulder blades and back down to dip beneath her pants to the base of her spine. The hand in Catra’s hair winds tighter, tugging gently. The added pressure urges Catra to part her lips and leave hot, open mouthed kisses across Adora’s chest and up the column of her neck, feeling her thundering pulse beneath her mouth. When Catra reaches the corner of her jaw she snakes her tongue between parted lips and ghosts it along the shell of Adora’s ear, hot breath fanning out over her face and neck. 

The blonde shudders, a shiver going down her spine, waves of heat flushing over her. Her hand leaves brunette tresses to trail down the shorter woman’s back, hands taking her hips and gripping tightly, lifting her up so she is standing on her toes. She ducks her head to rub her cheek down the side of Catra’s face, taking the top of her ear into her mouth and biting gently before pulling back to trace her tongue down a sharp jaw. Adora is breathing heavily now, pulling Catra’s hips to grind against hers, not even trying to hold back each moan and pant that leaves her mouth as Catra works over her throat with sharp teeth and a lavish tongue. Adora doesn’t think she will ever get used to the feeling of Catra wanting her like this. She gets lost so fast, mind going hazy and senses intensifying but also dulling in the strangest combination. She is completely unaware of the world around them but she is acutely aware of every sound coming from the woman in her arms, every pinch of her nails, and every move her mouth makes.

Catra loses herself in the feeling of Adora surrounding her. Muscular arms trap her body in a hold that would have thrown her into a panic years ago but now just serves to reassure her of Adora’s unwavering love and devotion to her. She couldn’t get a coherent thought across, consumed with the need to feel every touch Adora gave her and reciprocate with her own desperate fingers and mouth. She was utterly surrounded by Adora, her touch, her scent, and there was nowhere else she would rather be than in Adora’s arms, completely encapsulated by the woman she spent all of her days thinking about and all of her nights dreaming about. 

Catra sucks one last bruise into Adora’s neck, biting with her canine before pulling back to sooth the mark with her tongue. Adora pants and gasps, using her strength to pull Catra to her and grind their hips together in one last longing motion before lowering the woman back to the ground. They both pulled back enough to look into each others’ eyes, seeing the love, admiration, longing, and need shining back. 

Catra is the first to speak, chuckling out a quiet, “Fuck baby.” Her eyes are glossy, face flushed.

A tear forms at the corner of Adora’s eye, just barely rolling down before taking Catra’s face in her palms and panting out, “I know, kitten, I know.”

Adora pivots them to the side so Catra’s back is to the counter next to her and backs the other woman up against it, fusing their mouths again. When Catra’s lower back makes contact with the cold edge of granite she gasps, mouth opening wide and allowing Adora’s tongue to sweep through, brushing against her own. Adora uses her grip on Catra’s hips to lift her girlfriend up onto the counter, stepping between legs that were soon wrapped around her waist. 

“Damn princess, you’re worked up, aren’t you?” Catra chuckles out.

“Well what do you expect when you look at me like that?” Adora laughs out, smirking. She runs her hands up and down Catra’s thighs, biting her lip as her eyes rake up and down her torso. Brunette locks are disheveled, shorter whisps flying in every direction. Wild eyes shift over her partner’s face, pupils blown wide. Adora’s eyes shift down to Catra’s chest, which heaves, gasping for breath. Her stomach is flexing, abs tightening with the effort of keeping herself still and resisting the urge to grind forward into Adora’s abdomen. It’s not like she could move any way, with the iron grip Adora maintains on her hips. 

“We should get ready, shouldn’t we?” Catra whimpers out as Adora’s lips make contact with her neck. Their date tonight was Adora’s idea, but it doesn’t seem to be too important to her right now. Catra knows they should stop, Adora mentioned they had reservations, but she doesn’t really want to stop. She never wants to stop touching Adora, and she certainly doesn’t want Adora to stop touching her either.

Heaving a dramatic sigh Adora pulls away to plant a firm kiss on Catra’s forehead before straightening her back so she is standing up straight, loosening her grip but not letting go. A grin spreads over her face when she remembers why she even came home with flowers in the first place.

“You ready?” She says, barely containing her enthusiasm. They have been on dates before, a lot of dates, but this one was special even if Catra doesn’t know why yet. The reservations were a lie, to throw Catra off of her plans, but she still wanted them to get going. Her plans for them would go out the window if they took too long. They shouldn’t really be where she planned on taking them after the sun went down.

“I just need to put some shoes on and grab a jacket, you?” She returns Adora’s grin, excited to be going out again. This would be their first real date since the accident, the two preferring to stay home in lieu of going out. They both agreed it was time though. In spite of what happened during their last night out it was time to break the fear and go for it, take back this part of their relationship for themselves. 

“I was just going to wear what I have on, but I am going to freshen up real quick. I might need to put concealer on my neck though,” She snorts, raising an eyebrow at Catra.

“Don’t you dare, princess,” Is the response she receives. She giggles, walking away to the bathroom. On the way there she stops at the hall closet, checking over her shoulder to make sure Catra is still in the kitchen. Once she sees that the coast is clear she bends down to pull the shoebox out of the back of the closet, pulling out the ring box and putting it in her pocket. Tonight was the night. She couldn’t physically make herself wait any longer. 

Catra hurries to put the cookies in a tupperware container so Melog and Swift won’t get to them and put the flowers in a vase. When she hears the bathroom door click closed softly she makes her way to their office, going over to her desk and sitting in her chair. She thinks hard for a minute. This isn’t how she wanted to do this. She had it all planned out, the beach, the bonfire, but now that she thought about it she would rather do it tonight. She felt like each additional minute she wasn’t engaged to Adora was a moment she was wasting. Why would she keep waiting to propose when she knew now more than ever that the time they got together was never certain? She can’t wait any longer. It is time. With a nod to herself she looks over her shoulder to make sure Adora isn’t about to walk into the room and then leans over, opens the bottom drawer and moves the stack of papers and stapler to reveal the ring box she had hidden there. She takes it out, opening the box to make sure the ring she selected, a white gold with sapphires embedded in it, is still there, and tucks it into her pocket. 

“Baby? You ready to go?” Adora shouts. She takes a deep breath and bites her lip, excitement building at the reality that she was finally going to do this. Footsteps echoing down the hall and the creaky floorboard right outside the door signal Adora’s arrival. Catra looks up and the sight of Adora leaning against the door frame with Melog purring in her arms knocks the wind out of her lungs.

“Yeah, princess. I’m ready for you.”

“I know kitten, you’re always ready for me. Aren’t you?”

Catra can’t tell if she should roll her eyes or moan at the innuendo so she does both for good measure. Neither reaction is controllable, either way. That’s just what Adora does to her, wrings these ridiculous reactions out of her while she tries and fails to control herself. 

They make their way to the car, Adora opening the passenger door and holding out her hand to guide Catra into her seat, placing a kiss on her knuckles before releasing her hand and closing the door. Catra blushes and gives her a soft smile when she gets into the driver’s seat. 

“Where are we going anyway?” Catra says in a light, airy tone, hoping to lull Adora into telling her what their plans are even though she told Catra over and over again that it was a surprise.

“If you think you can trick me like that you’ve got another thing coming, baby,” Adora chuckles.

“Hey, can’t blame a girl for trying,” She defends weakly, looking out the window. 

“I’ll only hold it against you if it works,” Adora says

“And what will you hold ME against if it doesn’t work?” Catra breathes out, teasing.

Adora snorts and rolls her eyes, saying “That was terrible. And you say I’m the dork. Honestly.”

“You must be rubbing off on me,” Catra chuckles, looking out the window as they pull out of their neighborhood and on to the busy street that would lead them to the highway. The sidewalks are busy this afternoon with the mild weather, the bustle of restaurants and retail shops lining the road on both sides.

“I’d love to, but later when we’re not in public,” Adora retorts in that unbearable tone she gets when she is just so proud of the joke she just made.

“Wow. That was way worse,” Catra deadpans, trying to sound irritated.

They both burst into giggles, letting their breathless laughter fill the silence of the car. They don’t listen to music anymore. They only just started talking in the car again about a month ago, actually. Anything that could distract Adora from the road gives them both a horrible feeling in their stomachs, and early on even holding hands or talking in the car gave Catra panic attacks. They knew how easily someone could get distracted, how quickly their lives or the lives of others could be changed just from one distracted driver. In those first few months after the accident they would sit in the car in silence, both staring vigilantly at the road in front of them while Adora kept both hands on the wheel. Catra would jump and gasp at the smallest obstacle, shouting for Adora to slow down or brake when they approached a stop light or a crosswalk. Over time, though, Catra allowed the tension she felt to dissipate as her trust in Adora took over, and in the third month after the accident she shifted her arm to rest on the center console, palm facing up in an open invitation. It was such an unexpected part of life after the accident, that Catra would fear every driver including Adora. Catra tried driving once, hoping being the one in control of the vehicle would ease her worries, but it did nothing to help the feeling in her stomach and it was better to let Adora drive since she was still prone to panic.

Catra’s brow furrowed when Adora took Rt. 17 South instead of North toward the city. Since moving to their apartment, the one they lived in before buying their house, they usually used their dates to explore a new part of the city they hadn’t been to before. The novelty of living this close to the bustling metropolis hadn’t worn off for either of them, and at night when they could make out the twinkling lights of the city from their back porch they would make plans for what restaurant they would visit on their next date. Since the accident though, further exploration was postponed. A few times Adora had taken a trip into the city when she got off work early to pick up a variety 6 pack from a brewery and an assortment of appetizers from a restaurant they had been meaning to try. Their makeshift dates always brought a smile to Catra’s face. They would set a blanket out in their backyard and enjoy their beer tasting and appetizers while pointing to which areas would be perfect for a vegetable garden or a flower bed. The conversation would usually end there, seeing as how Adora would push Catra to her back and lean down to press their lips together, covering the smaller woman’s body with her own. Those backyard dates were magical in an entirely new way, but their city dates were something that held a familiarity they both missed.

So now that Adora has decided to pull them onto Rt. 17 South and head away from the city, the skyscrapers growing smaller and smaller in the rear view mirror, Catra is a little confused. 

“Ok for real, where are we going? Don’t we have reservations?” Catra questions.

“I kind of lied about that part but I promise you’ll like it. I just… didn’t want to try to create the version of normal we were at before. I wanted something new, because things aren’t the same, not really. We can do our city dates later, but for now this one is special,” Adora speaks slowly, gently, nervous to see Catra’s reaction. 

“Yeah, it is, isn't it?” Catra whispers back.

They’ll get back to their normal dates later. This first one is special. It feels like a turning point in both of their recoveries that they can get back to this part of their lives after so long.

Adora continues to drive them further and further from the city, the suburbs and shopping centers visible from the freeway shift into longer and longer stretches of farmland and trees. They spend the drive in a comfortable silence, Adora focusing on the road and Catra staring out the window trying to guess where they could possibly be going. She briefly entertains the thought that they could be headed to the bay area on the southern edge of the city but is quickly proven wrong when they pass the three exits south of their house, the only ones that lead back to the bay. They couldn’t be going to the beach, that was a little far for a date, right? Adora would have warned her if she needed to pack for the beach anyway. Since they inevitably turned into children as soon as their feet hit the sand, they never went without at least a change of clothes. She gave up her guessing game rather quickly. She trusted Adora to take her on a date she would enjoy, they certainly had been at it long enough to know. If they didn’t know by now what kind of date the other would enjoy it was a little late, considering they bought a house together already.

Adora chances a look at Catra, shooting a quick glance her way. The evening sun is casting a golden streak across her face, outlining her features in an ethereal glow. The light catches her dark brown hair, betraying the shimmering streaks of reddish brown and gold hidden in the curls. The twinkle in her eye that Adora missed so much during those first few months of recovery, where every battle was uphill and it felt like Catra would never truly get better, had finally returned. The freckles dotting her nose shifted as her cheeks rise, lips turning up into a smile, when she turns her head to face Adora. Their eyes connect for the briefest moment before Adora turns back to the road, grin so wide it’s starting to hurt her cheeks, but she doesn’t care. 

“What?” Comes Catra’s amused voice from the passenger seat.

“What do you mean ‘what’?” Adora asks.

“What is that look for? Catra prompts.

“I just can’t believe how beautiful you are,” Adora says, voice a little rough with emotion.

Catra blushes and bites her lip. Squeezing Adora’s hand she turns her head to look back out of the window. 

She can’t believe how warm she feels.

\--- --- --- 

Adora takes the exit she’s been waiting for and the car ride takes a turn into the foothills of the mountains, slowly gaining elevation as they drive in the direction of the sunset. Catra, growing bored of seeing signs on the highway of local attractions and trying to guess where they might be going, turns away from the window to look at Adora. Driving into the sun like this she can see the light reflecting in her eyes, showing the lighter blue hidden within the grey. There is a rosy tint to her cheeks, which is present a lot of the time they are together, honestly. She can see the line on the corner of her jaw, a scar only really visible in certain light, silvery pink and smoother than the rest of her skin. Her hands, veiny with long nimble fingers, gripped the steering wheel. Protruding forearms and biceps more apparent than ever, sculpted by the angle of the amber rays streaming through the windshield. 

Something low in Catra’s stomach turns as she thinks about what exactly those strong arms and those capable hands can really do. The heat she feels in her stomach, once a low simmer, gains strength until it's consuming her. She can’t remember the last time she looked at Adora and didn’t feel like this. Hell, she wasn’t sure if she ever looked at Adora and didn’t at least feel something, even if she didn’t recognize what the feeling was. 

“Alright, now what? You can’t give me shit for staring and then stare back,” Adora jokes, a snort escaping her.

“Sure I can,” Catra snarks back, the look of awe she is sure she had before is replaced by a smirk.

“Well what’s up?” Adora prompts again.

The smirk disappears from Catra’s face as her features soften, a look of admiration grazing her face and she lowers her voice to try to convey the level of emotion Adora makes her feel, saying, “You’re so fucking beautiful. I can’t even think when I look at you.”

It’s Adora’s turn to blush, squeezing Catra’s hand once more and bringing their joined hands upward to kiss her knuckles. 

“Are we at least almost there? Ya know, wherever ‘there’ is?” Catra questions, hoping to get some sort of answer other than for her to be patient.

Adora gives a good natured roll of her eyes, saying “Stars you’re impatient. Yes, we are almost there.”

“Ha! I knew I’d wear you down eventually, princess,” Catra’s shoulders shake with silent laughter, teasing her partner.

“Careful there kitten, I have plans for us,” Adora says, voice taking an authoritative turn that throws Catra off. She is used to the voice, but it usually comes when they are at home, or at least on the way there. It would be several hours before they got back and she wasn’t sure she wanted to experience hours of what that voice did to her. 

Apparently the silence was enough of an answer because Adora is the one smirking now, a triumphant, “That’s what I thought,” leaving her lips.

“Whatever…,” Catra mumbles.

“What was that?” Adora questions, voice light and teasing.

“Nothing! Nothing,” Catra replies, wincing at how quickly the words fly out.

“That’s what I thought,” The smirk is still there, and remains plastered on her face for the remainder of the drive. 

Catra lets Adora have this one since it is her date. 

Adora is her princess, and she’ll remember this little exchange next time she is in charge.  
\--- --- ---

It’s about 45 minutes into their drive when Adora pulls off of the highway and onto a side road, quickly turning onto a dirt road from there. There are trees everywhere, huge conifers towering over them. Pines line the road on either side, their needles covering the forest floor in a soft brown sheet. It’s picturesque, the way the tunnel of wiry branches funnels her view ahead to the valley while hiding the mountains she knew to be on either side. Just as she is wondering where this dirt road leads and what they could possibly be doing out here, they pull off the road into what can only be a campsite. Here, Adora pulls up as close as she can to the line of trees and throws the car in park, engaging the parking brake. 

“Would you trust me if I told you to wait right here?” Adora asks, turning to Catra with a nervous look on her face.

“You bring me out to the middle of nowhere, in the middle of a forest I have never been in before, with only a few hours until sunset, and ask me if you can leave me here?” Catra runs through the list of what exactly she finds wrong with that question.

“...Yeah pretty much,” Adora confirms with a nod.

“Of course I trust you,” Catra says with a roll of her eyes. If Adora was going to bring her out to the forest to murder her she applauded her for playing the long con, for nearly two decades now. It would be astounding, really, if Adora was pulling a fast one on her right now. 

Not that she thought that is what was happening, she trusted Adora completely. She just found something incredibly...sus...about being brought out to the middle of nowhere.

“Great! I’ll be right back! I just want to set something up real quick before you see it ok?” Adora breaks her from her thoughts, clearly unaware that Catra saw anything weird about this situation.

“Ok, I’ll be here,” Catra says, watching as Adora grabs the backpack and cooler out of the back seat and walks off through the trees, practically bouncing.

She sits there for only 10 minutes before Adora comes back, opening the passenger door and holding her hand out. Catra takes it without hesitation, allowing herself to be pulled out of the car. They move toward the treeline and Catra can tell, even though she can’t see Adora’s face, that she is excited. Whatever this place was, Adora must find it really special. They only have to walk a hundred or so feet before they are breaking through the treeline, Catra catching sight of what Adora was hiding from her and tearing up.

She is overwhelmed by the sight before her. The grassy, needle covered forest floor gives way to soft sand leading down to a pristine lake. The water, a sheet of glass, shimmering the reflection of a line of bright green leading up to fractured sloping rock. Slabs of smooth granite mold together and alternate with layers of limestone and pegmatite, stacking on top of each other and shifting for hundreds of millions of years, thrust towards the heavens in a display of the Earth’s raw organic power, a type of magic sewn into the fabric of reality itself. The stone rakes a jagged finger across the expanse of powder blue and violet above, intertwining with the pillows of cotton candy clouds and streaking jet trails. The water is crystalline, clear, and so smooth it’s like she could take a step forward and it would support her weight. The only indication that it wouldn’t be possible is the streaks left behind, rippling in a line, from a hawk skimming the water and plucking a trout from just beneath the surface. 

A chill overtakes her as a stream of brisk air washes down the side of the mountain and over the lake, crashing into her and swirling around her body. She hears nothing of the outside world; voices, car horns, airplanes are all silent. Somehow it's still so loud, the howling and whistling uninterrupted as she is surrounded by a feeling she can’t describe. Her feet are firmly on the ground, but she is weightless, balanced in the air. She could take a photograph, paint a canvas of this place and it wouldn’t capture the beauty because it’s the type of place where the true beauty lies not in how it looks but what it does to you. She is cold, the frigid snow touched air is bathing her, yet the sight, the feeling of this moment, is radiating a warmth in her chest. It’s as though the lake, every tree in the forest, every grain of sand on the shoreline, and the mountain itself have all come together in all of their old, powerful, deep magic and their only collective wish is to hold her hand.

She can’t move or speak. All she can do is feel the wind around her and the tear streaming down her cheek. She feels a presence beside her, a physical one this time, and Adora is wrapping an arm around her shoulder and kissing the top of her head. 

“I know,” She whispers, knowing exactly how Catra feels standing there with all of this beauty before her.

This place is magic. This place is love. This is why Adora brought her here.

\--- --- ---

Adora lets her take all the time she needs. She doesn’t think she could ever be finished truly taking in the sight before her. However, when she’s had enough for now, she turns to face Adora and the picnic she set out for them. She smiles at the patchwork blanket Glimmer’s aunt made for them, spread out on the sand below. She takes the few tentative steps between them and accepts Adora’s outstretched hand, allowing her partner to guide her down to a seated position. She sits between Adora’s legs with her back to the blonde’s front and feels Adora’s muscular arms envelop her. 

“So, what do you got for me princess?” She says, voice thick with emotion.

“I got sandwiches from that deli down the street from your old office, the one with the insane mac salad. Oh I got that mac salad too. There’s some other snacks and a few cans of soda,” Adora rushes out breathlessly. 

Catra raises an eyebrow and looks at Adora with absolute adoration. Yeah, her girlfriend is a huge dork, she’s the cutest fucking person Catra has ever seen, and she is definitely keeping a secret.

They eat their dinner, laughing with each other and at each other. They talk about silly things like how they can always tell when Glimmer is the impostor when they play Among Us because when she’s a crewmate she says “and I’d do it again!” in chat, but when she is an impostor she is entirely too quiet. They talk about what dates they can take off work to go on a vacation this summer, how the car will need an oil change in a few hundred miles and Adora is pretty sure it will also need both a new engine air filter and a cabin air filter. They talk about how Catra can’t walk into a room without both of their little fur children following her and she’s pretty sure it’s because of all of the times she fell asleep with a plate of food on her lap and woke up to that plate on the floor and empty. 

They spend a few minutes in between each topic just staring at the mountain before them, the jagged top now a halo as the sun begins to drop behind, casting long shadows over the lake. There are still a couple of hours left before all of the light leaves the sky and the expanse of blue above them turns navy, glittering with stars. The chill of mountain air overtakes them and Adora pulls another, smaller blanket out of her backpack to wrap around her shoulders and fold in front of Catra. Here, beneath the sky and surrounded by nature in its purest form, they knew peace. They could see the wind, painted watercolors and swirling around them. The world, here, was covered in a haze of light and warmth. The mountain breathed, the trees danced, the water quaked. 

Adora leaned her head down, sliding the side of her face against Catra’s head until her lips were brushing her ear.

“I love you,” she said, voice cracking.

Catra turned her head, tightening her grip on Adora’s arms, heavy voice saying, “I know you do. I love you too.”

Adora took a deep breath and began to retract one hand, sliding it along Catra’s ribs before moving it to her pocket, grasping the box hidden there. It was time.

Catra reached a hand down and felt for the box in her own pocket. It was perfect, she was sure of it.

“So-,” Adora started at the same time that Catra said, “Hey A-.”  
They both let out shaky laughs, giggles in their throats.

“You go first,” Catra said. She had too much to say to make it quick, and she wanted to know what Adora was going to tell her.

“Catra, kitten. I love you so much. I-I can’t even describe to you how much you mean to me because there aren’t words. There has never been a moment of my life that you weren’t there for me. You were the first person to care about me, to see me as more than what I could accomplish, to tell me I was worth more than what other people wanted from me. I don’t know what would have happened to me if you weren’t there, if we hadn’t met, if I was in that house alone and had to deal with the kind of person she was. I don’t know if I would even be alive right now without you. So much of my life even happened because of you, because of the connection that we have. There hasn’t been a day of the nearly 20 years since we met that I haven’t thanked my lucky stars that out of all of the things that happened to me at least I got you. I always knew I loved you, I really did.

“That day, the day of the accident, I was so scared that I was going to lose you. I was terrified, out of my mind with the fear of losing you. It wouldn’t have just been losing my girlfriend, it would have been the loss of my entire life. I would have lost my future, because I don’t want there to be a future for myself that you aren’t in. I am so happy that out of all of the people on this Earth, all of the places fate could have separated us, all of the tiny things that could have happened that would have resulted in us never even meeting, that I get to live in a version of reality that has you in it. I have known you for most of my life, but I feel like I knew you before then too. The love we share, the bond we have, feels eternal.

“I know that we only get so much time, and it doesn’t feel like it will ever be enough. The way I feel about you? That's a bond that transcends time and space. I know that in every timeline that the two of us existed in before now, we found each other. We knew each other before, I know we did. In every lifetime, in every reality, I was meant to find you. Our love? There will never be a timeline, in this one or the next, in a parallel one for all I know, where it doesn’t exist. 

“I want to promise you, that I will find you. In every life after this one, I will find you, just like I did in this one. I promise that I will love you, fight for you, cherish you, in every life I have after this one just like I do now. I will never give up on you. You are my past, my present, and my future. 

“Lastly, I want to promise you that I will spend the rest of this life, the one we have now, proving that I mean it,” Adora finishes her speech and, through sobs and sniffles, pulls the blanket down enough to show Catra the ring. 

“Will y-,” Adora starts just before Catra covers her mouth with her hand. They’re both crying, holding each other while they shake. 

“Yes, but let me talk first ok? Before you ask?” She whispers.

Adora nods and Catra takes a deep, shaky breath, before starting.

“I love you too, princess. Stars, I can’t even tell you how much you make me feel. It’s too much sometimes, how much I feel when I’m around you. I tried so hard those first few years, when we were kids, to numb myself so I couldn’t feel anything. But you always made me feel things that I thought I shouldn’t.

“I never thought I would get the kind of love I have with you, but I especially thought I would never get the family I have because of you. You saved me, too, you know? You taught me what it meant to love and be loved, what it meant to accept help and accept that love isn’t a weakness. I know without you I would have fallen into that darkness that...she…tried to drag me into years ago. When you walked into that house a year after I did, a year into the torture she put me through, I thought I might have died and that you were an angel. I thought that maybe, sometime in my sleep, she killed me and I didn’t get to go to heaven but maybe I got a version of an afterlife where through the torture I got to have an angel with me. You were the first person that showed me kindness and at a time when I thought I had to earn it I was terrified that you would realize I didn’t do enough to earn yours. 

“But then, you gave me a family. You gave me these two best friends who are basically my brother and sister, and you gave me two people who are basically my parents. You gave me your love, and through that you taught me how to love too, you all did. 

“I never believed in an afterlife, or in anything existing after you died. I always thought that, you know how you feel nothing before you’re born? That’s how things are after you die. It used to make me feel better to know that nothing really mattered, but now it terrifies me. Because you’re right, we only get so much time. But I think you’re right about something else.

“I think we did know each other. I think the same consciousnesses are getting recycled back into different versions of reality, and I think that we knew each other, loved each other, before this one. And I know we will love each other in another, and another, and another. We might meet next 200 years ago. We might meet next 2000 years in the future. What I do know is that we will find each other. 

“You don’t have to prove anything to me, because I know you’re right. I know you’re telling the truth when you say that you’ll find me and love me in every other reality we exist in together after this one. 

“What I want to promise you is that I will love you, beyond what either of us thought was possible, every day of the rest of this life we have together now. I will care for you, hope with you, cry with you, and defend you with my life. I will do whatever it takes to give you the life we deserve together. I will spend the rest of my life showing you every day just how strong I am because of you, and just how strong you are because of me. Real strength? It comes from love, and I will spend every moment of every day that I am allowed to wake up next to you loving you. 

“And when it’s all over, after every lifetime we spend together, in every version of reality, it will be you and me together at the end of the world. But not yet, ok?” 

She pulls the ring out of her own pocket to show Adora. The tears are flowing freely, both women gasping for breath and trying to hold back sobs. They stare into each other’s eyes, committing to memory every detail of this moment, a silent promise to remember each other as they are now so that they may continue to grow together in the future, gaining the strength to fight for each other in this life and to find each other in the next.

After a few moments of silence, when hands wound into fabric begin to loosen and shaking shoulders calm they whisper together, “Will you marry me?”

They’re both frozen staring at each other in the shade of the mountain, strong and steady in front of them. All either of them can do is nod and then Catra is tackling her onto her back, landing on the soft blanket. They’re pressing their lips together frantically, hands trailing over arms and chests, a mass of limbs rushing to get out the message they’ve been holding in. It’s sloppy and uncoordinated, panicked almost in how much they need each other right now. Catra’s hands rest on Adora’s shoulders, kneading with her fingers. Adora has one hand on the back of Catra’s neck, weaving with her hair, while the other cups her ass and pulls her closer. 

Another gust of brisk wind chills them, breaking them apart with a shiver. 

“Yes,” Catra says, finally answering Adora’s question.

“Yes,” Adora speaks firmly.

Catra pulls back enough to sit up in Adora’s lap, yanking the ring out of its box and sliding it onto Adora’s finger. Adora is less graceful, fumbling to remove her ring from it’s confines and nearly dropping it in the sand while she moves to slide it onto Catra’s finger.

They each take a second to stare down at their hands, entwined with each other, engagement rings sparkling in the dim evening light. The love in the air is palpable, the warmth buzzing around them seems unreal as they look at each other’s wide grins in the last rays of sunlight streaming out from behind the mountain. Neither wants to break the spell, take them out of the world they’ve created here by themselves.

But dammit if they needed each other before, it doesn’t hold a candle to the way they need each other now.

“Hey princess?” Catra pants out, suddenly much warmer.

“Yeah kitten?” Adora whispers, eyes glazed over and staring at Catra’s swollen lips.

“Take me home,” she says with finality, leaving no room for argument.

Not that Adora would argue. She had half a mind to turn them around when Catra started sassing her in the car on the way here.

“Anything for you kitten,” Is the reply she gets as Adora stands and they both begin to pack up the remnants of their food, putting the blankets in the backpack and heading back to the car. 

The mountain smiles, exhaling a breath of pastel and watercolor swirls that ripples over the lake, following the two women into the forest in a blanket of pride. The wind whips around Adora, twirling lose golden strands in it's fingers and tugging her attention back to the mountain.

Adora looked back, eyes twinkling up at the steady, unwavering mass as it cracked the sky with its powerful looming figure. Her chest swelled. It was as though the Earth was trying to tell her that a puzzle piece had fallen into place. It was trying to tell her that it was proud of her.

Did Catra know? Did she know how much she meant to Adora?

Yes, she really did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not gonna lie this is the only chapter that made me tear up every time I read through it to edit. I know I'm on some existential shit but the Earth really do make me feel like that sometimes.


End file.
